Why do I love you so?
by Allie351
Summary: I wrote this story a couple years ago and have just now found it. Remus' thoughts on Sirius being in Azkaban. Oneshot. The song belongs to Joe Nichols, I do not own it.


**_Why do I love you so?_**

Synopsis: Takes place during Sirius' time in Azkaban, then after PoA

Pairings: Remus/Sirius

_You got me walkin' up on air  
And I'm afraid of heights  
You fill my days w/ thoughts of you  
That rock my sleep at night_

Remus sighed, staring out the window at the dark, starry sky. One star in particular caught his eye; it was that of a dog. The star of Sirius.

_  
I see another side of me  
when you come into view  
I hate the way I love you  
but I do_

As Remus turned from the window and started towards his bedroom, a picture caught his eye. It was a picture of he and Sirius at James and Lily's wedding, their arms around each other, goofy grins widening on both their faces. God, how he missed those times. What had happened to them?

_I hate the way I miss you  
Everytime you're not around_

It had been twelve long years since Sirius had been sent to Azkaban, twelve long years of loneliness for Remus. He still questioned whether or not his friend deserved all his time spent in Azkaban.

_And the way you got me thinkin'  
It's time to settle down  
_

Sirius had always told him that when he found the right person, then and only then would he be ready to settle down. He always told Remus that he was the one, the one that he wanted to be with and settle down with, but could Remus really believe that?

_I tried to fight the feeling  
But this time there's no use_

"**Remus, it's okay to be who you are. Never be afraid of being who you are." Sirius said one afternoon when the two were lounging in the Common Room.**

"**But what if I don't want to be who I am?" Remus asked.**

"**What, you mean gay?" Sirius asked.**

**Remus nodded. "What if I don't want to be gay?" **

"**You can't change who you are, Remus. Being gay is part of you, and I wouldn't want you to change it for the world." With that, he leaned over and pecked a kiss on his cheek.**

Remus remembered the conversation they had had on the night he'd come out to Sirius. He had tried to fight all the feelings that he'd been harboring towards his friend, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't.

_I hate the way I love you  
But I do_

_I always used to pride myself  
I never lost control  
When I felt I was in too deep  
I'd pack my thing's and go_

Prefect. The word stung on Remus' lips as he thought back to Hogwarts days. How he wished he could have just let go, have fun with his friends like normal 15 year olds. Sirius' favorite line had always been **"All work and no play makes Remus a dull boy, and I don't want Remus to be dull." **

_Now I've found the pieces  
At the thought of losing you_

Why had he done it? Why had he killed James and Lily? Remus hated him for him. He felt guilty for hating Sirius not because he had killed James and Lily, but because he had betrayed him, Remus, and left him alone.

_I hate the way I love you  
But I do_

Remus knew what he had to do, as much as he didn't want to. He had to go to Azkaban, had to see Sirius, talk to him, hear his voice.

_I hate the way I miss you_

Once inside, Remus gave his name to the guards at the desk, then was led into a small room where Sirius awaited him.

A smile crept onto Sirius' lips. "Remus, old friend," he said.

"Hello Sirius," Remus greeted him, not able to smile back.

"I'm glad you came. I was wondering if you were going to come visit me at all." Sirius responded.

"I only came to know why you did it. Why'd you do it, Sirius?" Remus demanded.

"Do what?" Sirius asked, his voice that of sheer confusion.

"Why'd you betray James and Lily. Why'd you kill them, why'd you leave little Harry without a mother and father. There had to be a reason Sirius, so what was it?"

"I didn't do it, Remus! Can't you tell? I still have my soul, I'm more sane than half the people in this bloody place. Tell me, would I be this way if I was guilty?" he asked

Remus sighed. He didn't know what to think anymore; part of him wanted to hate Sirius with all his being for what he did, but the other part just wanted to grab the man in an embrace and never let him go. "I don't know Sirius. I honestly do not know."

"God I've missed you Remus. You have no idea how much I think about you, every night you're the first thing on my mind."

Oh, how Remus had longed to hear that voice again. His heart ached seeing Sirius like this, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words back. "Don't do this, Sirius. Not here, not now, not anymore." _  
_

_Everytime you're not around_

"Haven't you missed me, Remus?" Sirius asked, a frown crossing his handsome features.

Remus wanted to say yes, had to say yes. "Yes," he admitted softly. "It hasn't been the same without you." He said.

Sirius smiled. "That's my boy," he said. "I knew you would see it my way." He ran a hand through his hair, which had grown longer in the twelve years he'd been locked away in Azkaban. "Remus, you've got to help me get out of here." He pleaded.

Oh, how he wished he could. But instead he shook his head. "I can't Sirius. This is where you belong."

"You can't possibly mean that, Remus. You can't possibly think that I would have killed James and Lily, my best friend!" Sirius cried.

"I don't know what to think anymore, Sirius." Remus replied softly.

"It was Peter, Remus. He was there the night James and Lily died. It was him who killed him, him who blew up the whole street, and then pinned it on me when I went to confront him." Sirius tried explaining.

But Remus just shook his head. "Pete died twelve years ago Sirius. All they found left of him was his finger. Besides, he wasn't the type to murder one of his own friends."

"Oh, but I am? Is that what you're telling me?" Sirius demanded banging a fist down on the table.

"You were into the Dark Arts after all Sirius, you were fascinated by them. Peter, on the other hand, all he ever did was follow you and James around, do what you told him to do. You were always the one who acted on your own accord, Sirius." Remus replied, jumping a bit at the sudden anger that had erupted in Sirius. He hated doing this, hated seeing Sirius hurt like this. How he wished he could just break him free right now, go on the run with him, then they could be together with no worries. But none of that was possible anymore.

"So now just because someone was into the Dark Arts, that automatically makes them a murderer?" Sirius asked.

"If it wasn't you that murdered the Potters Sirius, then tell me, where is Peter? Why hasn't he been seen for the last twelve years?" Remus asked.

"I have no idea, Remus, but I know that he isn't dead. At least, he looked perfectly alive to me on the night that he murdered James and Lily." Sirius said.

"I didn't come here to argue, Sirius." Remus said quietly.

_And the way you got me thinkin'  
It's time to settle down I tried to fight the feeling_

"Then when did you come here to do?" Sirius asked.

"I came here to say goodbye," Remus said softly.

Sirius shook his head. "No! Don't do this Remus, you know in your heart that I'm innocent." Tears flooded his eyes. "Rem…please…can you still look me in the eye and tell me that you love me?"

As much as he tried to turn away, he couldn't. Remus stared straight into those chocolate-brown eyes of his ex-lover. Slowly, he shook his head. "I don't love you anymore Sirius." He said.

_I tried to fight the feeling  
But this time there's no use_

"NO! That's not true Remus." Sirius cried, trying not to give into his emotions. "Look insider your heart Remus, I know I'm still in there. Don't let me go, don't give into your heart blocking me out."

_I hate the way I love you_

"I'm sorry Sirius." Remus whispered. Deep down, he knew that a part of him would always love Sirius.

"I – I love you Remus." Sirius managed to choke out.

_Oh I hate the way I love you  
But I do_

"I – I can't," Remus said. "Goodbye Sirius." And with that, he turned his back and walked out of the prison, tears stinging at his eyes. Night was falling. Remus turned his head towards the sky and stared at the stars. One star in particular caught his eye; It was Sirius, the dog star. "I love you Sirius. I always have and I always will."


End file.
